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12 Pirate laws
- Pirates do not go shopping. They go lootin’ and plunderin’.
- A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.
- Lifting or removing one’s eye patch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It’s just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never remove another pirate’s eye patch, except with a sword to the face.
- Pirates never use the words “fresh” or “feelings,” and certainly not together (as in “I have that not-so-fresh feeling”).
- A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn’t been searching hard enough.
- While creativity is encouraged during any bar fight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja’s arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile.
- No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.
- Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.
- When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.
- Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can’t stand bleeding from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate.
- A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it’s Halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.
- Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garments, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.
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