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Pirate Law 7+13

  1. During a sword fight, sword fighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.
  2. No pirate shall ever wear a “fanny pack”.
  3. All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone’s and other “Wench Punch” is prohibited.
  4. A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.
  5. No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.
  6. Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.
  7. No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.

  1. Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandannas are the only acceptable head wear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel– head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory.
  2. A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin’.
  3. Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word “Fabulous”. Ever.
  4. No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.
  5. Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let’s say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.
  6. Pirate Law: “ARRRRRRRRRRR…” is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.
  7. A pirate does not “go shopping”. Unless by “shopping”, you mean “killing”.
  8. Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase “shiver me timbers”.
  9. Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.
  10. Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.
  11. No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is “wrinkled”. A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.
  12. When drinking, Pirates may sing. “Fifteen Men on a Dead Man’s Chest” is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.
  13. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.

Post a comment — Trackback URI RSS 2.0 feed for these comments This entry (permalink) was posted on Friday, May 25, 2007, at 7:20 pm by roblogger and categorized in People.

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