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Pirate Laws 10-13

  1. Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we’re talking about, not Inspector Gadget.
  2. A pirate’s diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.
  3. Pirate Law: You can’t spell pirate, without “irate”. There’s a reason for that, so don’t even try.
  4. No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.
  5. Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean.
  6. A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.
  7. When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum.
  8. The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.
  9. No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.
  10. Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.
  11. When at the office, answering the telephone with “Arrrrrrr” is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are “Avast!”, and “Ahoy Matey!”
  12. A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom.
  13. All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as “lass”.

  1. Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure chest.
  2. Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of “pouring some out for dead mateys”.
  3. A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.
  4. A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.
  5. No pirate may do the arm movements for “YMCA”, or engage in country-western line-dancing.
  6. Pirates do not say “please” or “thank you”. The phrase “Arrr, I’ll probably kill you tomorrow” is an acceptable alternative for “Thank you”.
  7. Should the ship’s bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate.
  8. Pirates do not “IM”. The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest.
  9. Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything “minty fresh” is strictly forbidden.
  10. Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.

Post a comment — Trackback URI RSS 2.0 feed for these comments This entry (permalink) was posted on Friday, June 22, 2007, at 7:33 pm by roblogger and categorized in People.

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